Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
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*wins $1000*
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Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Imma just leave this here…………
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Bootstraps
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
this chia pet tastes awful
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*