“Will you be my boyfriend 🥺👉👈?”

Giant cheese wheel:

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I use someone calling me during a phone call as an opportunity to hang up on both of them.


Maybe there is no baby

I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams

Now I’m hungry.


*strips naked*

“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”

Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?


*literally any business fails*

journalist: ahh yes, the millennials


“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.


Gas is like $40/full tank

Carrots are like $1/pound

Ya boi is getting a horse.