“Will you be my boyfriend 🥺👉👈?”

Giant cheese wheel:

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If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?


If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.


people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description


*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*


Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.


Twinkle twinkle line of coke, you’re the reason why I’m broke. 🙁


When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.


If I got a dollar, for every time I think of you. I might start thinking of you.


To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.


ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26

HIM: I’m a running back.

ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.