@arwenlothbrok

“Will you be my boyfriend 🥺👉👈?”

Giant cheese wheel:

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@Ristolable

If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?

@swiftenhaal

If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.

@I_am_carbs

people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description

@Parkerlawyer

*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*

Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!

Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.

@DamiensGate

Twinkle twinkle line of coke, you’re the reason why I’m broke. 🙁

@shanethevein

When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.

@Jenniferf42

If I got a dollar, for every time I think of you. I might start thinking of you.

@kimtopher22

To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.

@sofarrsogud

ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26

HIM: I’m a running back.

ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.