My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
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Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
new year update: losing everything but weight
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass