Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
“will you be paying with cash or credit?”
“Cash” *start playing “ring of fire” on my kazoo
*gets tackled by security*
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If a girls tongue being pierced really mattered, then I would have my palm pierced!
Kid 1 swallows coin= rush to ER
Kid 2 swallows coin= wait til it passes
Kid 3 swallows coin= deduct from allowance.
him: what are you going to be for halloween?
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Every TV commercial right now: “You’re not just a customer, you’re family.”
All of us: “That’s actually worse.”
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.