@weenbeans

will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too

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@AndyAsAdjective

Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?

Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.

Wife: I counted 19.

Me: Well I rounded down.

@GonzoVice

There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.

@lisaxy424

[me talking to someone one year younger than me]

listen, kid…

@AbbyHasIssues

Got a new bottle of dish soap and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone in a much higher tax bracket.

@FredTaming

me: [getting murdered]

murderer: [murdering]

murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?

murderer: unbelievable

@JimmerThatisAll

I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.

@Contwixt

Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*

•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive

*JOB INTERVIEW*

INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.