Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
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There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
Got a new bottle of dish soap and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone in a much higher tax bracket.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Current poverty level: Rinsing out Ziplocs to use again