“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
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If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.