[william shakespeare as an 8yo]

dad: bedtime

william: dost thou not…

dad: [interrupting] STOP TALKING LIKE THAT!

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A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.


Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake

– me trying to fill up my ice trays


So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?


Twitter: she’s on to us

Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you

Twitter: I’m just an app

Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh


me: I was busted by the cops

friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine


Phill: *gets stung by a stingray

Me: *pees on his wound

Phill: That only works on jellyfish stings

Me: Oh shit, I thought you were dead!


*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*


Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.

I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.