When can I start eating bats again.
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ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”