willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
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“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.