Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
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If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
We’ve all been there
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Barbie gone wild
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.