@kibblesmith

Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.

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@KentWGraham

My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.

@OrangeFact

SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.

@shaunpcassidy

Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.

@SentenceReduced

Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.

@RedRegenerated

If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.

@wolfpupy

at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations

@mortimermaiden

Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.

@YWIR

Keep your friends close, your enemies close, aliens not so close, ghosts close, snakes close, skeletons close, everything just in a big pile

@KalvinMacleod

[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet