My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
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SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Keep your friends close, your enemies close, aliens not so close, ghosts close, snakes close, skeletons close, everything just in a big pile
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet