Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
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Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco