Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
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can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Imagine having a party on purpose.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Bloody internet 😳
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”