WINDEX CEO: listen, I can’t have you making puns anymore.
EMPLOYEE: okay, I just want to make things clear–
CEO: you’re fired.

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[Hopeless romantic phone sex line]

PHONE SEX OPERATOR: Tell me what you’re wearing

ME: My heart on my sleeve

PSO: Very nice. Turn on Hallmark

ME: Oh no, you’re bad

PSO: Pretend you’re the guy in this movie kissing Amy Smart at the skating rink

ME: Mmm she smells of magnolia


Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”


Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.


Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”


Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?

Me- Wished I was an adult


There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things


Why are they called library fines and not hush money?


After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.