I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
You Might Also Like
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
I only eat vegetarians.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE