Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
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“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Breaking news:
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
I remember when things only cost an arm.