windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
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Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
The Birdles
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.