WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
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Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too