Me: I love your hair.
Her: Thanks. Can I have it back, please?
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
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My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you a really nice house to be miserable in.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i only listen to blink-182?
her: no it’s because you spent all our money opening a bar that only plays blink-182 and you gave it a stupid name
me: [under breath] what’s stupid about drink-182
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
“Halloween” is barbaric US ritual in which children earn candies by preying on the superstitions and fears of ignorant peasants.
As a pot smoking narcissist, my life is all smoke and mirrors