Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
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Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.