Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
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Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.