[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
You Might Also Like
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
PhewThe Chosen Phew
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?