@o__0Dev

Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.

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@ArfMeasures

HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel

MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway

HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea

@JediGigi

My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.

@CopernicusG

ME: sorry for the hold-up

TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?

ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian

@mccoy_paul

If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.

@NurseSeymour

Jamie on FB just took a quiz to find out what type of flower she is. She’s a vibrant poppy. Weird, all this time I thought she was human.

@sofarrsogud

NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food

*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression

@LeBearGirdle

Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet

@HenpeckedHal

I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.