HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
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This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Life with a cat in one tweet
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Jamie on FB just took a quiz to find out what type of flower she is. She’s a vibrant poppy. Weird, all this time I thought she was human.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.