[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
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If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics