I licked 8 lollipops and sealed them in ziplocs during my stomach flu if anyone needs to lose 5lbs by the weekend.
*Swirls and sniffs glass
Me: Ah, yes, very nice, this one is bold in its simplicity
Host: Ma’am, that glass is empty
You Might Also Like
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened