Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
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alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Introverted vegans go meetless
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.