@ThaJawn

Wings are the leading cause of bird flew

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a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:7:”splegge”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3712632145/b42e5b52982e2f605a51020437381519_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”325988470726221824″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”91″;s:5:”tweet”;s:96:”If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@GeorgeScumbag

Remember ladies. It goes from Twitter to Kik to Voxer to cell phone number to address to being dismembered in a motel bathtub.

@shutupmikeginn

If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.

@rickolantern

You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.

@Chumpstring

ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut

@ObscureGent

The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.

@68Cly29

Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges

@pannuscorium

My mom is a ginger and my dad is Mexican. I guess what I’m saying is that I can only be killed by some elaborate, magical ceremony.

@Jandalize

Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.