@ThaJawn

Wings are the leading cause of bird flew

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@oigoabuya

How to find out if you old.

(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.

@jonnysun

*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the

@DaddyJew

I like to tell people my English is bad so they think I’m a foreigner when in reality I’m really just stupid

@badbanana

I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.

@TheToddWilliams

ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?

@CornOnTheGoblin

movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else

@AlexvanBeek

Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”

To which I replied: “a camera.”

@LittleMissZesty

So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!

@seamussaid

dude told me he did a line with Emma Watson but I know he was lying –
she’s British, they call them “queues”

@OrdinaryAlso

Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*