*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
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Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
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HEYYYY MACARENA
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll