Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
You Might Also Like
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
What a website
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans