Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
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virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Generation gap…
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.