[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
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me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.