Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
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The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely