Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
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Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
“Phone Call to My Dad” feat. My Mom Yelling Things at Me in the Background
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.