I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
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The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
*turns off life support*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Sometimes you just have to roll down your car window and bark at people to see what they do.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Did you ever think that one day you would be this addicted to reading and writing?