@ericsshadow

Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.

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@Humor_Fetish

Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices

@daemonic3

[2 cavemen]

Look what me discover! This game changer!

*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”

*takes back mixtape* FIRE!

@myonlymizztake

His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”

@junejuly12

Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working

@KenJennings

“Phone Call to My Dad” feat. My Mom Yelling Things at Me in the Background

@splegge

Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys

@mydmac

Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?

Me: Yes

@cpsemple

Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.

@karanbirtinna

Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?

Me: Misread the brochure I have.