*wins $1000*

To claim your prize, create an account and password.

Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.

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[inventing napkin dispensers]

bob: it has 2 settings

exec: ok

bob: 1 at a time

exec: ok

bob: or 37 at a time

exec: first of all I love it


They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.


My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.

It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.


I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.


My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…



I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.


Goes to Nirvana themed “Come as you are” party. Gets arrested for indecent exposure.


Me: I’m so tired of being stuck at home – I’d give anything for a reason to leave

*gets email that sports practices start next week*

Me: not like that


Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.

Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?

And that was when I knew he was the one.