My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
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*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
This is brilliant
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
I love everybody. Even you, insecure person reading this hoping someone loves you … even you.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Nicki Minaj is my favorite teletubby
I duct taped a stick to the front of the lawn mower today so I could feel like I was riding a majestic unicorn that eats grass super fast.
Me: Feels so good to close my eyes.
Brain: We should think about a fire evacuation plan.