@Lisabug74

*wins $1000*

To claim your prize, create an account and password.

Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.

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@clichedout

[inventing napkin dispensers]

bob: it has 2 settings

exec: ok

bob: 1 at a time

exec: ok

bob: or 37 at a time

exec: first of all I love it

@Tmoney68

They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.

@DadandBuried

My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.

It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.

@Cheeseboy22

I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.

@IamEveryDayPpl

My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…

Weird.

@VectorBelly

I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.

@Kryzazy

Goes to Nirvana themed “Come as you are” party. Gets arrested for indecent exposure.

@Divergentmama

Me: I’m so tired of being stuck at home – I’d give anything for a reason to leave

*gets email that sports practices start next week*

Me: not like that

@WetMascara

Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.

Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?

And that was when I knew he was the one.