*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
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Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]