@ohmygrapeness

* Wins lottery

* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades

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@WildeThingy

Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”

@jackiecarbajal

Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”

@AnniemuMary

Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.

@RexHuppke

My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.

@OMGSoOverIt

(Seductively stripping out of clothes)

Gynecologist: Please stop that.

@Brampersandon_

GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually

@Kryzazy

Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.

@SteveKoehler22

Painting safety tip :

When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Not to brag, but at least six men have described me as “terrifying.”

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.