* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
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Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Hey I worked for it too!
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
do u think theres a butter planet?
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.