* Wins lottery

* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades

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Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”


Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…


Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.


My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.


(Seductively stripping out of clothes)

Gynecologist: Please stop that.


GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually


Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.


Painting safety tip :

When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.


Not to brag, but at least six men have described me as “terrifying.”


I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.