* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
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Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.