@Pork_Chop_Hair

*wins lottery*

Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves

Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—

Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!

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@LosLos__

HR: You’re late. Do you even know what time it is?

Thor: Hammer time?

HR: Get out.

@DwellerLake

A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?

@GrantTanaka

coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]

@TheDairylandDon

Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough

Satan: what

@WilliamAder

I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.

@pittdave13

[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”

@david8hughes

[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”

@Mellicubed

My fire alarm just went off because I took my shower. Ya, I know I’m hot when I’m naked, but come on now, let’s all just calm down.