*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
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Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.