WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
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me: sorry what?
me: sorry i have bad hearing, one more time?
them: *unintelligible but louder*
me: haha yeah
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
God, grant me serenity to accept that people are ignorant, courage to uphold the law when I’m hostile & wisdom to realize murder is illegal.
How can people get engaged after dating less than a year? You haven’t seen their fall wardrobe yet and tbh it could be a deal breaker
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to