Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
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We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.