The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
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Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Where is your GOD now????