do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
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Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Woke up against my better judgment again
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
#milo