The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
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“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
wtf is a larm clock?
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.