Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!

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There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.


Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!


Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation

Me: *floating*


“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.


you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you’ve only eaten 3 then 25 arrive at once


FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime

ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-

THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out


ALIEN: What is “January”?

ME: That’s a month… named after a god

ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god

ME: Actually, he was a Roman

ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman

ME: Actually, that named after a number

ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10

ME: Actually, 8

ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit


When someone says “surprise me”, I immediately drop my pants and start singing its raining men.