Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
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If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.