@BruceForce

Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.

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@tlcprincess

I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?

@mom_ontherocks

My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.

@Jedi_Daddy

Parenting –
often like herding cats

Some days, like herding feral cats

@ianpauldukes

ME: I’m scared of dying alone.

SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.

@AndyAsAdjective

*see Shawshank on TV guide*

Wife: Don’t do it

*picks up remote*

W: I said don’t do it

*turns TV to Shawshank*

W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES

@hardlyrelevant

(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace

@DanMentos

*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*

@sarcasm_inc

A group of chimpanzees walking out of a Banana Republic is called “disappointed”
Except for Charlie there, who scored a nice sundress.

@bobby

chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.

me: oh cool thanks man.

chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.

me:

chipotle guy: so i can charge you.

me:

chipotle guy: for the guac.

@KattsDogma

When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!