Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
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Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
The pasta is now
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop