Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.

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“I’ve never smelled marijuana so I don’t know if that’s what you think you smell in my room” and other lies I tell my mother.


Shout out to my kids.



[working late]

ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.

CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.

ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.


A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London


Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.

Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.


Twitter is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.



Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.

Millennials: (gasp)

Me: We had to use “adverbs.”

(one faints)


I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.


Can’t figure out if my dad is defusing a bomb or trying to answer his cell phone. It’s tense!

“The green one dad, not the Red one!”


Waitress *grating cheese: You just tell me when!

Me: Oh I will! *gets up and goes to the bathroom