“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
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Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
These are too funny not to post 😂
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.