*wipes blood off hands with napkin* I said no onions

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If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.


There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p


Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?


I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.


It’s getting cold in here
So take off all your clothes
Then we can make a fire with them


Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it


Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?

me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway


Her: “If you can’t handle me at my-”

Me: “I’m going to stop you right there. I can’t. It’s fine.”