@WinterRae82

*wipes blood off hands with napkin* I said no onions

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@J_Dazzle76

If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.

@lil_aracuan

There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p

@Darlainky

Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?

@Home_Halfway

I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.

@Liffonmelsmork

It’s getting cold in here
So take off all your clothes
Then we can make a fire with them

@joetullar123456

Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it

@FU_TangClan

Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?

me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway

@nappydolemite

Her: “If you can’t handle me at my-”

Me: “I’m going to stop you right there. I can’t. It’s fine.”