[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Guilty! 🤪
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
me and who
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho