*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
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“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets