*wipes off Chapstick

Weigh me now

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Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: I was going too fast?

Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze

Me: [eats ice cream slower]


I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.


I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot


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Me: Same


[music club]
what should we play today
[hand goes up]
yes joe?
all those who wanna ban joe raise their hand
[everyones hand goes up]


3YO: “How do babies get out of bellies?”

ME: “Look! Ice cream!”

*5 min later*
3YO [COVERED IN ICE CREAM]: “How do babies get out of be—“


“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy


There are 2 kinds of people in this world:

1. People who aren’t good with numbers


“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.