Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
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I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
what should we play today
[hand goes up]
all those who wanna ban joe raise their hand
[everyones hand goes up]
3YO: “How do babies get out of bellies?”
ME: “Look! Ice cream!”
*5 min later*
3YO [COVERED IN ICE CREAM]: “How do babies get out of be—“
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Well, humanity. We had a good run.