kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
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Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them