MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Wired: “Machine learning will TAKE OVER THE WORLD!”
Amazon: “We see you bought a wallet. Would you like to buy ANOTHER WALLET?”
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Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
I dig, you dig, we dig, she dig, he dig, they dig. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Contrary to popular belief, tigers do not holler if you catch them by the toe. Also, could someone call an ambulance?
3: Why are you putting on makeup, Mommy?
Me: So I look less tired.
3: Why are you tired?
Me: Because I’m a mom.
3: Why are you a mom?
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.