me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
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If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
If you love someone…
Bury them in your backyard so no one can find them. Then you’ll have them FOREVER!
*looks out window & smiles*
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.