@barryjohnharper
@imskytrash
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
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@imskytrash
@mynameisntdave
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
@JennyJohnsonHi5
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
@SweetestSarcasm
If you love someone…
Bury them in your backyard so no one can find them. Then you’ll have them FOREVER!*looks out window & smiles*
@NeptunePhoenix
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
@Phaesphoria
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
@climaxximus
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
@Gupton68
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
@DanielEdison_
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
@offbeatoliv
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.