@barryjohnharper

Wireless bra? What’s the password?

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@imskytrash

me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are

date: what are you having

me: an ok time

@mynameisntdave

If you want your dog to take a pill:

1. Get a piece of cheese

2. Eat the cheese for energy

3. Get ready to wrestle your dog

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?

@SweetestSarcasm

If you love someone…
Bury them in your backyard so no one can find them. Then you’ll have them FOREVER!

*looks out window & smiles*

@NeptunePhoenix

Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.

@Phaesphoria

I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!

@climaxximus

[creating flamingos]

god: here’s your legs

flamingo: can I just have 1

god: no u have to use 2

flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that

@Gupton68

Dr: How may I help?

Me: Wife says I’m overweight

D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands

[later]

Wife: How’d it go?

M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music

@DanielEdison_

I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.

@offbeatoliv

One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.