Wireless bra? What’s the password?
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My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.