WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
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my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”