WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
You Might Also Like
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster